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What a day yesterday!

Yesterday was meant to be an enjoyable day… We went to Lyon, H, Dad and I, to spend the morning and lunchtime there…

H. and I had a nice shopping time and walk (well… we did not buy much at all… but it was nice to walk in the warm weather)… We went to the mall, then walked to a music shop, stopped by the bank of the river to watch ducks swimming…

We were meeting Dad in front of the Lyon Opera at around 12… so we had time to get into the Opera to  see what shows were scheduled…

I could not resist buying two tickets to go and see A Midsummernight’s Dream in April (click here). I love Shakespeare’s play, it is great, the movie by Michael Hoffman is really interesting too (click here)… so I had to give in to the appeal of the fairy-world…

I can’t wait to be there, even though we could not really buy the more expensive seats, and that we will probably not be able to see the whole stage…

After that, Dad arrived and we went into a typical Bouchon Lyonnais (little Lyon restaurant) and had a nice meal.

After our meal, we came back home and that’s when the day transformed into a shitty day!

After a couple of minutes at home, we realized that we had been broken into… toll of the robbery:

$ 2000 - gone

my engagement ring – gone

my 20^th-birthday ring in white gold, sapphire and diamonds offered by dad and by late mum– gone

a necklace and golden earrings, keepsakes of my late grandmother – gone

a beautiful long jade pendant from New-Zealand – gone

an ancient fob watch that belonged to H and had been offered to him by my dad – gone

a whole and brand new bottle of expensive perfume that had been given to me by Suzanne - gone

… After a while, we saw a suspect car parking not too far from the house, in our neighbours’ driveway (, who were not waiting for anybody, by the way)…. They left as soon as they saw us… I’m almost sure that they were coming back for our equipment!!!

And I’m expecting them to come back again when they get the opportunity.

My dad had the quick and appropriate reaction to get into his car, catch up with them discreetly (they kept on behaving strangely, stopping by another house and checking it) and write down the number of their license plate, which we communicated to the police… I’m hoping those were indeed the thieves and that something will be done about it!

Another consequence… I did not sleep much… H did not either… and I could not work as I had planned… so now I have a lot of work to catch up with… It implies huge amounts of work to be done for the coming 3 weeks at least!!! I’m pissed!

Anyway… no more days like that ever again!

I decided to make the list of the things that I indeed achieved during this break… to reassure myself, I suppose….

-         I rested from my super-tiring pre-break week.

-         Went downtown to purchase Xmas gifts… in the very last minute, but I did!

-         Finished one of my knitting projects… I haven’t got a picture of myself wearing it yet, but it is done…

-         Knit together the biggest part of a wedding quilt… there are still some sides missing and the batting and backing to add, but it shouldn’t take too long… I HAVE to finish it soon though, so that H. can hand-quilt it before the end of May.

-         Knitted half of a cool sweater for myself. I hope it will be finished soon so that I can wear it!

-         Prepared a whole lesson on PowerPoint, it should last 3 or 4 hours (which is 2 weeks of work for those classes).

-         Went jogging 3 times, I did not go today… unfortunately…

I still have tons of things to do! So, I’m off!

I've just realized that it has been much longer than what I though since I posted!

What have I been doing? I don’t even know… there was a busy week just before the Xmas break… then there was Xmas, then there was New Year’s Eve… And I’m here, today, sitting at my desk, supposed to be working to prepare my lessons for the coming week, and grading papers….

What kind of a break was that?

I’ve felt busy all along, and it feels like I did nothing at all… How strange!

Xmas was ok, spent the eve at Dad’s, and spent Xmas here, relaxing and doing nothing special. We ate a raclette though! I got a Bread Machine, which is really cool and a very comfortable desk chair, on which I’m sitting right now. And the Nirvana Unplugged DVD.

New Years Eve was fine too, the food was good, and the house has been reasonably clean since then…

The end of the week was really strange… working a lot and getting nothing accomplished, or almost nothing… going to bed far too late and sleeping in far too long… not going jogging enough and feeling tired.

I hate that feeling to have wasted the precious 2-week time I had … hopefully, that feeling will vanish...

... at the moment... because we froze on the spot at the Christmas Market where we were selling H's cutting... It did not go too bad considering this was a little market lost in the countryside. I think we'll be doing this again... and we'll try to make it in a bigger town... At least we know that some people are ready to buy that kind of works... which is great...

So now, I’m off to the warmth and steam of a comforting and well-deserved shower... ... before I set myself to work... Wonder how I’ll do that though...

Today I received a letter that I was not expecting anymore... I had, indeed, tried to register to be on a Christmas market to sell H.'s artwork. Of course, as usual, I had been very late turning the necessary papers back in... So, this letter really came as a surprise...

But it implies many things for this week, as far as work is concerned.

The market will take place on Sunday, all day, and that's the day I usually prepare most of my lessons and go jogging... so I’ll have to do that on other days... that is during the week...

I cannot say that this event is coming at a right time, since I’m supposed to do many extra hours next week, which implies extra preparations too....

But, on the other hand, I’m quite excited about it...

Apart from preparing many lessons, I’ll also have to write a list of all the things we have to purchase to decorate the stand to look Christmassy (and do the shopping, as a matter of fact). And that's probably going to take me some time, as I have no idea what I will need, since it will be the first time we'll be in such a situation.... (if you have any advice, that would be great!)

I'm full of hopes about that day, I want to see if people are ready to buy H.’s work, and how much they'd be ready to put into it. Moreover, the money would definitely be welcome...

So, anyway, I’ll have to update on that at the end of the week!

Oh my! What a great cover of Engel, the Rammstein song, by a choir! Update: I found out this is sung by the Belgian choir called Scala. 

Engel

Insofar as I didn’t know Rozenn much at all, I can say I’ve been quite affected by her suicide… I’ve been thinking of her since I heard the news yesterday, and the thought of her prevented me from sleeping for a long time last night…

I kept thinking of how I would face the class again, without her…. Should I say a word to my pupils, or just hush up her name while calling everybody else… I really couldn’t imagine crossing it out of the list, just like that, as if dying was enough to make your name erased from where it belonged to and to fade the slightest memory of a whole existence.

When you die, you lose your life, but those who remain still own fragments of it… it is as if your life as a whole dissolved into hundreds of pieces that hundreds of people would be the guardians of, until they disappear in their turn, taking along their treasures and secrets.

I am one of them, I keep in myself the fleeting vision of her face… that’s why I cannot resolve to draw a line across her name, which stands as an evidence of her existence.

So this morning, after repeating in my head all I was going to say, several times, I just stood there in front of the class, and all I could actually utter was “I’m going to take the roll call, it hurts me not to be able to call Rozenn, it truly hurts me.”

I don’t know if I did well or not, but really, that’s about all I could take… and, on the brink of crying, I started to call them one after the other, skipping the name of Rozenn.

The news came to me as a shock today… I was there, in the teachers’meeting room, when the Dean walked in and announced in a shattered voice the suicide of Rozenn…

She was one of my pupils. I have been in this school for only a week, and I only met her twice, but it nevertheless stunned me. I remember her pretty face and her dark hair, and where she was sitting last Friday in my class…

When driving back from work, I kept thinking about Rozenn, and about myself. I was listening to Nirvana and that’s when I remembered how that music helped me not to take the step Rozenn did when teenage years were so hard on me, I thought. Nirvana’s music, and rock/metal music in general, saved me, undeniably!

Listening to it would let my malaise and my despair ooze out of me, it would help me expel these inner violence and self-hatred that were consuming me… until they would come back again…

It helped me turn into someone I like better, from a meaningless and despicable caterpillar into a dark butterfly… Today I am someone I can withstand the look of when in front of a mirror, even if life has stolen part, and a huge one that is, of my happiness.

Now, when I think of Rozenn, I realize how close I was to wanting the end she chose for herself. Out of lack of bravery, or thanks to courage, I don’t really know, I followed the path to my life as it is today. That is exactly how I have always regarded suicide, as a desperate act of utter ambiguity…

And now I’m thinking about Rozenn’s family, because I know how much the loss of a beloved one will sadden and appal you. They will be angry at her and will not understand her decision, but it was all a lot of bravery and lack of courage… bravery to take the step to eternal emptiness and nothingness, lack of courage to survive, just to see if it could get any better.

That’s how the life and death of a stranger, who decided that it was not worth living, altered other’s existence so much more than she probably ever thought she would, as she is missed and will be remembered by so many of us.